Wednesday, June, 18, 2014
Untitled
I'm not really sure how to begin this post. It is a very, very personal blog post, but I wanted to share my experience in hopes to help other women and families dealing with same situation. Many people who know Marvin & I personally, know that we've been really anxious to add another child to our family. When we decided that we were ready to start trying to conceive, we were amazed at how quickly I got pregnant. I found out that I was pregnant on May 16th. I had taken so many tests that week anxiously waiting for my positive. When I finally tested positive on May 16th, I was so flipping excited! Before I had gotten the positive result, I had been coming up with ideas on how to share the exciting news with Marvin. I had decided that I would definitely record his reaction and I knew I had to wait to do it while Paris and Sophia were at school.
Marvin gets home from work in the afternoon, so it left me just enough time to share the news with him before the kids got home from school. But it also meant that I had to wait TWO very long days to tell him because we had to get through the weekend. It was kind of fun to have an exciting secret, but it was so HARD to keep it a secret. I remember at one point during that weekend, while we were watching TV, I looked at him and just started smiling. Naturally, he looked at me like I was crazy.
Monday finally arrived and I set up a little pregnancy announcement display, the tests I had taken, and hid our camera to record the whole thing. I paced the house waiting for him to come home. I blindfolded him and led him into the living room where everything was set up. When I took off his blindfold and he saw the news, he went crazy! Lots of kisses, lots of cheering, and a couple of runs through the house yelling, and we prayed.
I started taking prenatal vitamins before I got pregnant, ordered pregnancy books (it's been so long since I've been pregnant, I had forgotten what to expect), and started planning ways to tell our parents. My pregnancy symptoms kicked in right away. I had forgotten about the exhaustion. I was squeezing in naps whenever I could. Oh, and my emotions were insane. We went out to see a movie and the preview for the remake of Annie came on. I cried. Like, I cried hard. For a moment, I thought I might need to excuse myself, so I could collect myself. Marvin just rubbed my shoulders and asked me if I was going to be okay. So sweet. A couple of weeks later, I had my first prenatal appointment. We confirmed the pregnancy, grabbed so many pamphlets, and received lots of "congratulations" from the staff at my doctor's office. Marvin and I were on such a high!
The next night, Saturday, Marvin and I were watching TV. He had fallen asleep and I felt a sudden dull cramp. It only lasted a few seconds, but it didn't feel right. I went to the bathroom and I had started spotting. I immediately started crying and saying, "no, no, no". I came out of the bathroom, woke Marvin up, and told him what was going on. Marvin called the emergency room for me since I couldn't even speak. We went into the garage to call them, so the girls wouldn't hear a thing. The nurse on call had advised me to get in bed, elevate my hips, and monitor the spotting, and to call if anything changes.
The next morning, I still had some spotting, but no cramping. We had planned to go to church and the girls were so excited to go. To be honest, I did not have any desire to go to church, but I went because there's no way I could miss it with the girls urging us to go. I knew if I stayed home, Marvin would have wanted to stay with me. So, we went. I felt like an empty shell. Our church was starting a new series called Your Verse. Every week a different pastor is going to preach on their favorite verse. The Pastor began by telling us that his verse came into his life when he and his wife suffered from a miscarriage. Wow. I felt as if the Pastor was speaking directly to me.
The verse is 1 Samuel 21:9.
And the priest said, "The sword of Goliath the Philistine, whom you struck down in the Valley of Elah, behold, it is here wrapped in a cloth behind the ephod. If you will take that, take it, for there is none but that here." And David said, "There is none like that; give it to me."
The Pastor explained how focusing on God's past faithfulness can change the way we respond to different situations in our life.
Later that afternoon we called the ER again to let them know I was still spotting and to find out if I should come in. They advised me to rest and call to make appointment with my doctor the next morning. Monday we had an ultrasound scheduled. Marvin and I sat in the waiting room and made small talk. I was so nervous, I felt like my heart was in my throat. We were called back to our room, the nurse asked us some questions, and the doctor came in. I explained to him that I had light spotting, periodic mild cramping, and no nausea. The ultrasound started and we saw our sweet baby and a color flickering on the screen. The heartbeat. The doctor told us there was a strong heartbeat and then turned on the sound and we heard the sweet, sweet sound of our baby's heartbeat. I literally could have jumped off the bed and hugged the doctor. I looked at Marvin and I don't think I've ever seen a bigger smile on his face and we've had some major smile moments during our life together! My doctor printed our sonogram and let us know that our chances of miscarriage had dropped tremendously since the heartbeat was detected and to continue life as normal. The chance of miscarriage after a heartbeat is detected is 5% and spotting in early pregnancy is very common. With that knowledge, we decided we wanted to tell Paris and Sophia and our parents. I placed an order for something I found on Etsy to share our secret with our parents. My sister had made us a wedding gift basket full of celebratory drinks for all the firsts we would experience as newlyweds that she gave us on our wedding day. One of them was sparkling juice with a tag that said "First Baby". We popped it in the fridge and decided we would open it with the girls that evening.
The girls were beyond excited. They cheered. They asked a million questions. We took a poll on who wanted a boy or girl. We popped the sparkling juice and we watched Look Who's Talking. :)
On Wednesday, the spotting changed to bleeding, and we went in for another ultrasound. As soon as the ultrasound came up on the screen, I knew. It was empty and that beautiful flicker I saw 2 days prior was gone. The doctor stopped the ultrasound right away and then I heard it, "Unfortunately..." He spoke to us for about 5 minutes, but all I saw was his mouth moving as I immediately felt a heavy sadness take over my body. My eyes filled with tears. I looked over at Marvin and he just stared at the floor.
My sadness quickly turned to anger when we started our drive home. Why did we have to see the ultrasound we saw 2 days prior? Why did we have to hear the heartbeat? How do we explain this to the girls? What did I do wrong? Marvin and I voiced our frustrations to each other over our loss, we cried, and we prayed. And after Marvin had finished our prayer, I knew that I was meant to hear the verse and sermon I had heard just days prior at church.
The following day, I woke up and felt empty. I no longer had a bloated belly, my sense of smell went back to normal, and I just didn't feel pregnant. I felt sad and defeated. I didn't expect the early pregnancy symptoms to diminish so quickly and it made me so sad. Throughout the day my mind kept going back to the words Pastor spoke the previous Sunday.
God's promises are still available for me. For us. God's past faithfulness has certainly helped me get through this difficult time for our family. We are so blessed in so many areas of our life.
I may be mortified that I chose to publicly share our recent heartache after I post this. However, sharing experiences and opening up creates an opportunity for restoration and a new perspective.
